Supporting Your Loved One with an Eating Disorder

As you already know, having a loved one who struggles with an eating disorder is emotionally exhausting. You might also find that your own relationship with food has changed or that you’re experiencing higher levels of stress. You have to remember that you can’t ‘fix’ your loved one who is engaging in eating disorder behaviors; I know it’s a helpless feeling. You also can’t take their responses personally. The eating disorder is very possessive, the more the individual engages in behaviors, the stronger the disorder gets. So when you’re trying to help, and your loved one becomes really hateful, try to not take that too personal because the eating disorder sees you as a threat, and becomes defensive. If your loved one isn’t already in therapy, I would encourage them to seek out support by a trained clinician who can help them develop insight into their disorder. In the meantime, here are a few ways to be supportive:

• Validate their feelings

• This may sound like “I know this is really hard for you..”, “I know you’re feeling really upset right now…” Validation is a key way to help your loved one know that you care. Be careful not to minimize their feelings. Unhelpful comments might sound like “it’s not that big of a deal, you’re going to be fine,” “just eat, everyone does it,” “you’re not trying hard enough”, or “see what you’re doing to everyone.” These comments aren’t helpful because usually the person suffering already knows these things, and are most likely beating themselves up about it. 

• Ask them how you can be supportive

• Open and nonjudgmental conversations are really helpful when asking someone how you can be supportive. They might need someone to hold them accountable to following their meal plan or not purging after meals. Not everyone is going to know how they want to be supported or if they want to be supported. However, if they are working towards recovery, they are more likely going to want support. 

• Keep difficult conversations away from meal times

• Meal/snack times are usually difficult to begin with, so bringing up a difficult topic might not be the best time since they are already anxious. It’s important to have difficult conversations, but trying to avoid having them during meal times is important. 

• Get Educated 

• One of the best things you can do for your loved one is to get educated. You can do this by reading articles, listening to podcasts, or talking to others who are in similar situations. You can also ask your loved one how their eating disorder manifests or their eating disorder thoughts, and that might give you ideas of how to support them. 

• Be Yourself

• You may feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your loved one, and that may be true. Try to remember to be yourself and do things you enjoy. Self care is so important because it can be very stressful watching your loved one struggle. So making sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating healthy, exercising, and laughing are important ways to not feel defeated during all of this.